ps- All photos copyright London Bridge Creative.
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| How did I get to be so lucky?? The Mister is one HANDSOME man :) |
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It's a wedding! Almost
A few pictures in honor of my upcoming wedding. Upcoming so quickly I can't even kind of believe it! One week from today I'll be married to my best friend for time and all eternity. I cannot wait :) It has been a hectic month. Graduating from graduate school was pretty cool..... Finally being able to set a date for our sealing was wonderful (we didn't have a date until last Wednesday. We're getting married next Wednesday).... Going through the temple for the first time, with my soon-to-be-eternal-companion and his family, along with my amazing parents, at my side was more than I could have dreamed of..... And now, knowing that everything is working out how it should, so me and the mister can be together for eternity? Quite perfect. I wouldn't change anything if I could.
ps- All photos copyright London Bridge Creative.
ps- All photos copyright London Bridge Creative.
Unfamiliar things
You know those things that you feel like you should do, but they're 100% outside of your comfort zone? Yeah, those aren't my favorite things. I'm not the person who thrives on adrenaline. I don't like things I'm not used to. I generally avoid new restaurants. I always call to make sure my friends are somewhere BEFORE I get there, just so I don't have to wait somewhere I don't know all by myself. I seriously hate unfamiliar things. They terrify me.
So, what's so new and terrifying today?? Just this.... I've had the feeling for quite some time that I should look into forming my story, letters, journal entries, emails (everything that has made up this blog, basically) into a publishable work. It's a feeling that I have pushed off multiple times, always citing a lack of time, or a lack of direction in how to get something published, or a variety of other "reasonable" excuses. But they were just that... excuses.
Friday, I graduated from the University of Utah with my master's degree in social work. Before I can apply for jobs, I have to take the licensing exam. I totally slacked in applying to be able to do so, so I won't be able to take it for probably another 2ish weeks. What am I doing in the meantime? Studying my brains out, hopefully. And also... Getting my story together into a manuscript.
For the last two weeks, the final words of my final class were echoing in my head. Out of no where, my professor said, "If any of you have thought about being an author or getting something published, do it. It's not that difficult, and it can be a great benefit to you and to others." She said this to the class as a whole, but it was not in context to anything, and even she seemed surprise she had said it. With that, our class (and my masters degree program) ended. Talk about pressure! I had some free time Friday afternoon, so I did a google search for how to publish. I immediately was directed to two different companies that have potential. And just like that, I felt completely confident that it's what I need to do right now. Maybe that's not to get my story published, maybe it's just to consolidate and make it more user friendly. Maybe it's to self-publish. Maybe it's so I can stay focused on something now that I have no real direction for a few weeks. I have no strong feelings that I will get published... just that I need to get my story together in a form that it could be publishable.
The publishing process is long, and boring, and kind of difficult. I submit a manuscript, I hear back from them between 6 weeks and 6 months from the time I submit it. They either accept it, tell me to revise it, or deny it. If it's option one or two, I have serious editing to do. If they accept, I get assigned an editor, and together we figure out what needs to happen, from the font to the design to the cover to the little blurb on the back. That takes another many months. Finally, it's ready for final edits and printing. Then it can be distributed. This process can take as long as 18 months, or as little as about 9.
Since I'm barely starting, it will be a long time before I even know if it can or will be publishable. And another long time before it (miraculously and unlikely) hits shelves.
I haven't told anyone about this. No one in my family, not my sister who knows everything in my life, not even my fiance. But I know if I don't commit to it, I will continue to make ridiculous excuses for why it's not the right time or why I can't do it.
I'm terrified of rejection. I'm terrified of acceptance. I'm terrified of the process. And I'm terrified of people knowing that I am doing this because then I have to admit that rejection or acceptance. But I'm putting it out here and now.... I'm submitting a manuscript to a publishing company before the end of this month.
Wish me luck. And don't ask me how it's going! :)
So, what's so new and terrifying today?? Just this.... I've had the feeling for quite some time that I should look into forming my story, letters, journal entries, emails (everything that has made up this blog, basically) into a publishable work. It's a feeling that I have pushed off multiple times, always citing a lack of time, or a lack of direction in how to get something published, or a variety of other "reasonable" excuses. But they were just that... excuses.
Friday, I graduated from the University of Utah with my master's degree in social work. Before I can apply for jobs, I have to take the licensing exam. I totally slacked in applying to be able to do so, so I won't be able to take it for probably another 2ish weeks. What am I doing in the meantime? Studying my brains out, hopefully. And also... Getting my story together into a manuscript.
For the last two weeks, the final words of my final class were echoing in my head. Out of no where, my professor said, "If any of you have thought about being an author or getting something published, do it. It's not that difficult, and it can be a great benefit to you and to others." She said this to the class as a whole, but it was not in context to anything, and even she seemed surprise she had said it. With that, our class (and my masters degree program) ended. Talk about pressure! I had some free time Friday afternoon, so I did a google search for how to publish. I immediately was directed to two different companies that have potential. And just like that, I felt completely confident that it's what I need to do right now. Maybe that's not to get my story published, maybe it's just to consolidate and make it more user friendly. Maybe it's to self-publish. Maybe it's so I can stay focused on something now that I have no real direction for a few weeks. I have no strong feelings that I will get published... just that I need to get my story together in a form that it could be publishable.
The publishing process is long, and boring, and kind of difficult. I submit a manuscript, I hear back from them between 6 weeks and 6 months from the time I submit it. They either accept it, tell me to revise it, or deny it. If it's option one or two, I have serious editing to do. If they accept, I get assigned an editor, and together we figure out what needs to happen, from the font to the design to the cover to the little blurb on the back. That takes another many months. Finally, it's ready for final edits and printing. Then it can be distributed. This process can take as long as 18 months, or as little as about 9.
Since I'm barely starting, it will be a long time before I even know if it can or will be publishable. And another long time before it (miraculously and unlikely) hits shelves.
I haven't told anyone about this. No one in my family, not my sister who knows everything in my life, not even my fiance. But I know if I don't commit to it, I will continue to make ridiculous excuses for why it's not the right time or why I can't do it.
I'm terrified of rejection. I'm terrified of acceptance. I'm terrified of the process. And I'm terrified of people knowing that I am doing this because then I have to admit that rejection or acceptance. But I'm putting it out here and now.... I'm submitting a manuscript to a publishing company before the end of this month.
Wish me luck. And don't ask me how it's going! :)
Regrets
A friend of mine posted on her blog today about a journaling goal she has to write weekly. She found some fantastic journal prompts (52, you know, one each week). The question she pulled this week was,“What is something you regret not learning?”
As I read through her post, I agreed with most of what she said. The thing that stood out the most to me, however, was her explanation that it could be a very simple question. Learning to play the piano, learning to cook, learning to belly dance.... But what else do you regret?
There are some things I regret not learning, or at least not learning sooner. I regret not learning how awesome I am. And I don't mean that in a conceited way. I mean it in a: People, in general, are pretty freaking awesome. All of them. They all have unique talents and abilities and gifts and challenges. And each person, including myself, is genuinely amazing. I wish I had learned that sooner. I can thank my personal experiences as well as the experiences I'm having at Primary Children's to teach me that one. I am able now to see parents that the doctors have serious issues with as parents who are trying their hardest. They might not be acting the way I think I would act if I were in their shoes... but I have no idea what else they have in their lives. I have tried so hard to open up my mind to seeing the positive in others, and what a world of difference that has made. I regret not learning sooner how to be compassionate, understanding, and not judgmental.
I also regret not learning how loved and lovable I am. For a while, I was pretty convinced that I was unlovable. I dated a guy once, who I cared for very deeply, who informed me (after an interesting nine months of dating) that it was "just too difficult to continue to love" me. I dated another guy who told me that I was a "used piece of garbage, the girl that guys would sleep with but never marry." I thought that I had disappointed my parents so much there was no way they would ever love me the same. I thought I had disappointed my Heavenly Father so much He could never forgive me. I truly felt like I was worth absolutely nothing. But then, something miraculous happened. I asked myself if there were things I just wasn't seeing... and I truly looked around me. I saw how loved I am. I saw it in the previously annoying things my parents did for me. I saw it in the way my friends treated me, in the random texts they sent, in the late night giggles. I saw it in the overbearing actions of my big sis. I felt it deep in my soul. And I knew without a doubt that I am definitely lovable, and I just need to find those people who love me.
There is a part of me that regrets not learning sooner what my mission in life really is. I wonder if I would have spent so much time in biomedical and coaching courses in my undergrad if I knew I would be majoring in Psychology... and getting a master's degree in Social Work. I wouldn't trade the education I gained in those biomed and coaching courses for anything... I miss coaching in a way I can't explain, and one day plan to coach again. But... was it really beneficial for my social work career? Probably not. If I knew earlier what impact I would be able to have on those around me, to really know what I am supposed to be doing with my life, I might have been able to get a jump start on learning the skills necessary to achieve those things. I sometimes regret not having or taking that opportunity.
There's a flip side to all of this, however. I regret not learning those things earlier, but where would I be if I had? Would I have been so insecure I needed to be physically close to a man to feel loved? Would O have ever been part of my life? Would I have missed the opportunity to coach an amazing 9th grade girls' basketball team through a season of ups and downs? Would I be able to appreciate where I am now?
I'm truly in a good place. I am confident in myself, and in my role. I appreciate The Mister and the open relationship we have. I know that I don't need him in my life to be happy, I can be happy without someone... but the happiness that comes from being with someone who adores you, and who you adore in turn... it is a whole new level of awesome. I feel like I know where I'm supposed to be, and that I'm getting the experience I need to be able to be a valuable social worker. I am able to go into high schools and talk to kids about not judging someone who is single and pregnant, and to understand about the amazing beauty of adoption. I spent one day last week doing exactly that, and was again overwhelmed at how lucky I am to be the girl to talk to those teens.
So can I really say I regret not learning those things sooner? Probably not. I can just be thankful I've had the experiences I've had to lead me where I am.
As I read through her post, I agreed with most of what she said. The thing that stood out the most to me, however, was her explanation that it could be a very simple question. Learning to play the piano, learning to cook, learning to belly dance.... But what else do you regret?
There are some things I regret not learning, or at least not learning sooner. I regret not learning how awesome I am. And I don't mean that in a conceited way. I mean it in a: People, in general, are pretty freaking awesome. All of them. They all have unique talents and abilities and gifts and challenges. And each person, including myself, is genuinely amazing. I wish I had learned that sooner. I can thank my personal experiences as well as the experiences I'm having at Primary Children's to teach me that one. I am able now to see parents that the doctors have serious issues with as parents who are trying their hardest. They might not be acting the way I think I would act if I were in their shoes... but I have no idea what else they have in their lives. I have tried so hard to open up my mind to seeing the positive in others, and what a world of difference that has made. I regret not learning sooner how to be compassionate, understanding, and not judgmental.
I also regret not learning how loved and lovable I am. For a while, I was pretty convinced that I was unlovable. I dated a guy once, who I cared for very deeply, who informed me (after an interesting nine months of dating) that it was "just too difficult to continue to love" me. I dated another guy who told me that I was a "used piece of garbage, the girl that guys would sleep with but never marry." I thought that I had disappointed my parents so much there was no way they would ever love me the same. I thought I had disappointed my Heavenly Father so much He could never forgive me. I truly felt like I was worth absolutely nothing. But then, something miraculous happened. I asked myself if there were things I just wasn't seeing... and I truly looked around me. I saw how loved I am. I saw it in the previously annoying things my parents did for me. I saw it in the way my friends treated me, in the random texts they sent, in the late night giggles. I saw it in the overbearing actions of my big sis. I felt it deep in my soul. And I knew without a doubt that I am definitely lovable, and I just need to find those people who love me.
There is a part of me that regrets not learning sooner what my mission in life really is. I wonder if I would have spent so much time in biomedical and coaching courses in my undergrad if I knew I would be majoring in Psychology... and getting a master's degree in Social Work. I wouldn't trade the education I gained in those biomed and coaching courses for anything... I miss coaching in a way I can't explain, and one day plan to coach again. But... was it really beneficial for my social work career? Probably not. If I knew earlier what impact I would be able to have on those around me, to really know what I am supposed to be doing with my life, I might have been able to get a jump start on learning the skills necessary to achieve those things. I sometimes regret not having or taking that opportunity.
There's a flip side to all of this, however. I regret not learning those things earlier, but where would I be if I had? Would I have been so insecure I needed to be physically close to a man to feel loved? Would O have ever been part of my life? Would I have missed the opportunity to coach an amazing 9th grade girls' basketball team through a season of ups and downs? Would I be able to appreciate where I am now?
I'm truly in a good place. I am confident in myself, and in my role. I appreciate The Mister and the open relationship we have. I know that I don't need him in my life to be happy, I can be happy without someone... but the happiness that comes from being with someone who adores you, and who you adore in turn... it is a whole new level of awesome. I feel like I know where I'm supposed to be, and that I'm getting the experience I need to be able to be a valuable social worker. I am able to go into high schools and talk to kids about not judging someone who is single and pregnant, and to understand about the amazing beauty of adoption. I spent one day last week doing exactly that, and was again overwhelmed at how lucky I am to be the girl to talk to those teens.
So can I really say I regret not learning those things sooner? Probably not. I can just be thankful I've had the experiences I've had to lead me where I am.
News
I have some exciting news. Very, very exciting news. Drum roll please.....
....
....
....
....
I'm getting married!
I was proposed to a week ago by The Mister, and life has been hectic since. I've never been happier than I am right now. Everything is just clicking into place.
On my personal blog, I'm writing a bit about us and about our engagement and everything else that people keep asking me about. I'll put a link here soon. But something that that story won't talk about is my teeny, little, slight bit of anger at God.
I'm a firm believer that I absolutely, 100% made the right decision when I placed O for adoption. He is meant to be Mrs S and Mr R's son, and he has been from the second I knew he existed. Nearly 4 years ago, I placed him into Mrs S's arms, and felt an absolute confirmation that I had made the right choice and that he was where he was meant to be. I've had that decision reconfirmed over and over again in the last 4 years.
That's not where my anger comes from.
My anger comes from the fact that I will now be a step-mom to an adorable, almost 4 year old little boy. The Little Man is only one week older than O is. And just like when I placed O for adoption, and with all other major decisions I've made in my life, I needed a confirmation that marrying The Mister is the right decision for me. And it is. I know that with absolute confidence.
And sometimes, when I'm feeling a little down or thinking about the injustices of the world, I just can't help but wonder why it's okay for me to be the mom to an almost 4 year old now, but it wasn't okay for me to be the mom of a tiny boy almost 4 years ago.
Yes, I'm in a completely different place in my life. Yes, I have finished my college degree, I'm not 19 any longer, I will have a master's degree when we get married, I will be employable (but unemployed. ugh). And I get all of that. And when I stop being selfish, I see how right this is for me now. But there's that little voice in the back of my head that sometimes wonders why THIS is okay, but THAT wasn't. Sometimes, I just need a minute to be a little angry at the way the plan works out. And then, I remember how amazingly right this feels, and I know that I'm supposed to be The Little Man's step-mom and The Mister's wife. And that's what matters most now :)
Something that most people who experience adoption don't talk about is the impact it has on their lives forever. The simple fact that I placed O for adoption has changed the relationship me and The Mister have. I dated someone before The Mister who was never really okay with the decisions I had made in my life, and ultimately that led to us no longer dating. With The Mister, I told him on day one about O and about the amazing experience I was able to have with him and his parents. When he was asking me to marry him, he talked a little about our first few dates. He said something along the lines of, "We were sitting there, having been talking for about an hour, and I had just told you a little about my ex and The Little Man. You said you wanted to be equally as honest with me, and your head dropped a little. You didn't look up much when you were talking about O, but it was clear to me how amazing you were for the decisions you made. You seemed almost ashamed to be telling me about him, but I just needed you to know that I thought you were the most impressive girl I'd ever been on a date with because of that experience. If you hadn't told me about O on that first date, I'm not sure I would have felt as close to you as quickly."
I knew that I wanted to find someone who would know about the experience I had with O and adoption, and would respect me more because of it, not inspite of it. And with The Mister, I've found exactly that. I had no idea it would be as difficult as it was to find a guy who wasn't a complete jerk about past decisions. I've dated my fair share of jerks. But, knowing that the man I'm marrying knows about this life-changing experience I had and loves me because of it makes everything worth it. It's a huge part of me, and I love that it can continue to be a part of my life.
....
....
....
....
I'm getting married!
I was proposed to a week ago by The Mister, and life has been hectic since. I've never been happier than I am right now. Everything is just clicking into place.
On my personal blog, I'm writing a bit about us and about our engagement and everything else that people keep asking me about. I'll put a link here soon. But something that that story won't talk about is my teeny, little, slight bit of anger at God.
I'm a firm believer that I absolutely, 100% made the right decision when I placed O for adoption. He is meant to be Mrs S and Mr R's son, and he has been from the second I knew he existed. Nearly 4 years ago, I placed him into Mrs S's arms, and felt an absolute confirmation that I had made the right choice and that he was where he was meant to be. I've had that decision reconfirmed over and over again in the last 4 years.
That's not where my anger comes from.
My anger comes from the fact that I will now be a step-mom to an adorable, almost 4 year old little boy. The Little Man is only one week older than O is. And just like when I placed O for adoption, and with all other major decisions I've made in my life, I needed a confirmation that marrying The Mister is the right decision for me. And it is. I know that with absolute confidence.
And sometimes, when I'm feeling a little down or thinking about the injustices of the world, I just can't help but wonder why it's okay for me to be the mom to an almost 4 year old now, but it wasn't okay for me to be the mom of a tiny boy almost 4 years ago.
Yes, I'm in a completely different place in my life. Yes, I have finished my college degree, I'm not 19 any longer, I will have a master's degree when we get married, I will be employable (but unemployed. ugh). And I get all of that. And when I stop being selfish, I see how right this is for me now. But there's that little voice in the back of my head that sometimes wonders why THIS is okay, but THAT wasn't. Sometimes, I just need a minute to be a little angry at the way the plan works out. And then, I remember how amazingly right this feels, and I know that I'm supposed to be The Little Man's step-mom and The Mister's wife. And that's what matters most now :)
Something that most people who experience adoption don't talk about is the impact it has on their lives forever. The simple fact that I placed O for adoption has changed the relationship me and The Mister have. I dated someone before The Mister who was never really okay with the decisions I had made in my life, and ultimately that led to us no longer dating. With The Mister, I told him on day one about O and about the amazing experience I was able to have with him and his parents. When he was asking me to marry him, he talked a little about our first few dates. He said something along the lines of, "We were sitting there, having been talking for about an hour, and I had just told you a little about my ex and The Little Man. You said you wanted to be equally as honest with me, and your head dropped a little. You didn't look up much when you were talking about O, but it was clear to me how amazing you were for the decisions you made. You seemed almost ashamed to be telling me about him, but I just needed you to know that I thought you were the most impressive girl I'd ever been on a date with because of that experience. If you hadn't told me about O on that first date, I'm not sure I would have felt as close to you as quickly."
I knew that I wanted to find someone who would know about the experience I had with O and adoption, and would respect me more because of it, not inspite of it. And with The Mister, I've found exactly that. I had no idea it would be as difficult as it was to find a guy who wasn't a complete jerk about past decisions. I've dated my fair share of jerks. But, knowing that the man I'm marrying knows about this life-changing experience I had and loves me because of it makes everything worth it. It's a huge part of me, and I love that it can continue to be a part of my life.
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